Alright everyone,
So, I know it’s been a long time since I have written anything. Life has been very hectic and I really haven’t had time to sit down and reflect on everything that has happened in my life the past few months. But, I figured now would probably be as good a time as any to do so. And just so everyone has fair warning, it’s going to be very emotional when I discuss my grandfathers battle with cancer. So, please know that before continuing to read. Thanks.

Grampy and I on the beach in Florida
After I returned from my amazing European journey, I spent a week hanging out with my family and friends before heading down to San Antonio, Texas, to be a corps member for City Year. For those of you who do not know what City Year is, I will offer a very brief description, but feel free to contact me and ask more! City Year is a national non-profit organization that unites young adults between the ages of 17-25 for a year of full-time service. As corps members, we work with youth in middle and high schools (in San Antonio at least) on their ABC’s, which are Attendance, Behavior and Coursework. We act as tutors and mentors to the kids and run our own after school program.
It is incredibly challenging work, but I (as well as all my co-workers) have fallen in love with the kids and look forward to seeing them everyday. As challenging and demanding as the work is, there are tiny little moments with the kids when they do something amazing that make it completely worth it. It is really hard to explain what we do, but what I can say is I have never worked with more inspiring people and never done something more meaningful.
Like I said, the people I work with are really amazing. There are about 80 corps members in City Year San Antonio, and each one of them is uniquely incredible. I was placed with 11 other corps members at S.J. Davis Middle School on the East Side, and I couldn’t ask for a more supportive and caring group of people to work with. I’ll get into more detail on that later.
On top of the amazing work we do in City Year, I was really excited about living in such a culturally rich city while participating in the program. San Antonio is a massive city, but the people are so kind and friendly that I fell in love with it very quickly. Yes, the consistent 105 degree weather took some adjusting to, but I’m still alive so I guess I figured it out! Anyways, everything was going great until September 14th. On that day I was at some of my friends’ house (House of 6) and decided to go wander down the street and watch some Pop Warner kids play football. I have no idea why I wanted to wander, I just felt weird and decided to explore. When I was finished walking around and was heading back to the house, my mom called. After a fairly brief normal conversation, she told me she had something to tell me and that it was going to be okay. Obviously I thought it was something bad, but nothing could have prepared me for what she said next. “Grandpa had pancreatic cancer. It’s not curable.”
Hearing those words I felt my body just crumble to the ground in the middle of Camino Santa Maria St. It felt like a nightmare, but this time I couldn’t wake up. This was as real as it gets. I gathered myself and tried to go back into the house and act like nothing was wrong. I was doing great until I sat down with a few friends at the table and just lost it. I don’t remember much of that night after that, I was just so blindsided I didn’t really know what to think.
Now, for those of you who know me well, you know what my Grandpa Jack means to me. He is and always will be the most important person in my life. When my father was too immature and uncaring to be a part of my life, my grandfather took over. But, he was more than just a grandfather, more than just a father figure. He was my best friend too. If you have been around me the last few years you have undoubtedly heard me brag about him or just mention him all the time. We had such a special relationship I can’t really put it into words, so I won’t try. He was like a father to me and I was the son he never had.
I made plans to return home for the whole week of Thanksgiving to spend some quality time with him, but little did I know he had no where near that long. As things got worse, and I couldn’t take being away from him while he battled this horrific disease, I booked a ticket to go home for a week in mid-late October. When I arrived and walked into the hospital room my heart sank. Seeing my grandpa, the man who golfed three times a week and walked the dog every day, sitting in a hospital bed, made my heart physically hurt. I pretty much spent the next week with him between my aunts house and the hospital, but I don’t regret a second of it. Despite his deteriorating condition and all, he was still the same wonderful, loving, hilarious Jack we all knew.
I think the characteristic of my grandpa that made him so special was his selflessness and kindness. I have never, in 22 years, seen my grandpa be mean to someone. That might seem like an exaggeration, but if you knew him then you know I am dead serious. I think the one example that sums up his selflessness occurred that week while I was home. As he was getting into bed and saying goodnight, he turned to me and whispered in my ear, “You make me feel like I’m 10 feet tall when I’m with you.” Honestly, that is one of the nicest things someone has said to me. But, beyond that, it illustrates how he was more concerned with making me feel good about myself than the fact he was dying.
The last night in the hospital my Aunt and I stayed over and watched the World Series with him until he fell asleep. I stayed up the entire night because I didn’t want 9:00 to come. I knew I had to head to the airport to return to San Antonio but I just wanted time to stand still. Try as I might, 9:00 still came. As we both started crying while saying goodbye, the last thing he said to me was “Keep doing what you’re doing. I love you a thousand times.” I told him how I felt and then walked out the door. I don’t think I have ever felt or could ever again feel as empty inside as I did while I walked out of the hospital that morning. I didn’t know it was the last time I would ever see him again, but I had a feeling it might be.
When I returned to San Antonio everyone was so supportive and caring which really helped. I tried to take his advice and keep going as best I could. I tried and still try to influence the kids the way he influenced me. Two nights later after I got back, I got a call at 4 in the morning from my mom telling me there was nothing more they could do and they would just try to make him comfortable. I immediately threw some clothes in a bag and numbly walked out the door, knowing the most important person in my life was about to die.
As my plane took off and breached the cloud layer, I was mesmerized by the beauty of the clouds. It looked as if we were hovering over the arctic, with billows of snow in every direction. I didn’t think anything of it, other than it was beautiful. When I landed in Boston, I sprinted through the airport to get to my mom quickly so we could get to the hospital and I could say goodbye. As I came outside the doors and turned right, I saw my mom, slumped with her hands in her pockets, fighting back tears. I knew immediately it was too late, but sprinted over anyways. She opened her arms for me and, with tears streaming down her cheeks, said “He’s gone.”
The rest of that week was completely surreal and I remember very little. I had my moments, but tried mostly to think of how lucky I was that I had him for 22 incredible years. I have some truly great memories and those I will hold onto and cherish forever. He is gone physically, but I know he is always with me in my heart and is up there watching over.
Returning to San Antonio was obviously going to be tough, but the support of my friends and the City Year staff has made such a difference. It’s hard to explain how much it means to me, but if any of you are reading this, thank you for being you. I couldn’t possibly have stayed strong and gotten through this without all of you! All of my friends and family have been amazing too, so I have had support everywhere. It’s not easy all the time, and there are moments each day where I have to fight back tears during school. But I do, and I will keep doing what I’m doing.
As I go into the new year, I look forward to more amazing experiences in San Antonio. I will continue to strive to influence my students the way my grandfather influenced me. I also try to be kind to everyone I know and meet no matter what. What better way to remember my grandpa than to be just like him.
Thank you all for bearing with me through that. I wasn’t planning on going off like that. I was just going to jot down some quick thoughts but before I knew it I had written a story. I hope you all have an amazing start to the new year! Be safe, have fun and I hope to talk to all of you soon!
Josh